Your Child's Development: Godward Orientation

Book: Shepherding a Child's Heart

Author: Tedd Tripp

Chapter 3: Your Child's Development: Godward Orientation

Godward Orientation(My little Jillian!)

All of us are covenantal beings, we all have a Godward orientation.  Tedd Tripp tells us that all of us are essentially religious and children are worshipers, either they worship God or idols, they are never neutral! Our children filter the experiences of life through a religious grid.

Romans 1:18-19 

The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth be their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them.

Everyone, and that means everyone, has God's clear revelation of truth, but wicked people suppress that truth......whoa!!!!  They refuse to walk with God and submit to the things that He has made very plain for us all!  

From page 19 of Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp

The person standing on the left is a worshiper of the one true God who is good and kind and holy.  God has made everything for His glory and if we know Him, we know life.  If you have Godward orientation, then you respond to God's goodness and kindness with love, delight and worship.  You want to know and serve God better.  For me this is not only a lesson in the orientation of my children's heart, but also mine....I hate when that happens!!!  Just kidding!  I really thought this was a good lesson, no matter where you are in your life and relationship with Christ.

The person on the right is someone who does not believe the truth, but rather lies, and is worshiping things that are created and not the Creator of all things!  

Something that Tedd talks about in his book is that we are often taught that we become a sinner when we sin....but that is oh so wrong!  We sin because we are sinners.  Psalm 58:3 says," Even from birth the wicked go astray; from the womb they are wayward and speak lies." Psalm 15:5 says, "Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me."  Wow....this means that our children are never morally neutral, not even at birth.  

Tedd talks about a justification for spanking in this chapter(a little preview for later!), which is that in Proverbs 22:15 is says, "Folly is bound up in the heart of the child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him." This tells us that there is something wrong in our children's hearts and it needs to be made right, and a spanking will not only help with the structure of the home, but changes the heart of your child.

So, if our children are not worshiping God, but rather idols, what does that look like?  Wooden or stone figurines is probably what we mostly think of as idols, statues of "gods" and the suffering symbol on a pole!  That is not the kind of idols we are talking about here, but rather the idols of the heart.  These include, but definitely are not limited to; evil, lust, pride, fear of man, conforming to the world, embracing the mindsets of those not of God, and "setting the affections on things below." This means that we have to consider the things like motives, desires, wants, goals, hopes and expectations that are in our children's hearts.  These things are often hard to see and pinpoint, but Tedd helps out with that and I have also found other resources to help us!!!  Don't worry!!!

This is such an important topic, because this tells us that our job as a parent is soooo much more important than we ever imagined.  I know we all thought that we were just supposed to give our children great advice, a constructive home and learning environment, positive interactions and love....along with other basic needs....but that is not the only things, and definitely not the most important!!!  We are to shepherd our children as one who worships, pointing him to the God who is the only one worthy of worship.  Tedd's powerful statement is this...

                                              The question is not "will he worship?"  

but IT IS ALWAYS "whom will he worship?"

What does that mean for our parenting? Well, this means that we are fighting a battle and we need to do some very careful combat, because that batltefield is in our child's heart.  We have to help them to know and serve the living God.  We need to provide the best possible shaping influences that we talked about in the last post, but more importantly we have to help our children respond to God in the context of those shaping influences.  

What Tedd says next was hard for me to swallow...but it is so true and so important. "Since it is the Godward orientation of your heart that determines his response to life, you may never conclude that his problems are simply a lack of maturity.  Selfishness is NOT outgrow. Rebellion against authority is NOT outgrown.  These things are NOT outgrown because they are reflective of immaturity but rather of the idolatry of your child's heart." 

There are so many stories of people in the Bible who did not have great upbringings and could have turned out quite differently....the best example being Joseph. So, why did his story end the way it did? Why was he not bitter, cynical, angry, etc.? Simple, he trusted God and had a living relationship with God.  He found his orientation in the unfailing love and covenant mercies of God.  

Remember there are two issues that help in shaping what kind of person your children become...

         1. shaping influences of life

         2. their Godward orientation

We must address both in parenting, and the second is the most important and often the one that is left out of every parenting book that I have ever read, or probably could read.  That is why this one is so different and why it is so successful in helping you to be the best parent, rather shepherd, that you can be.

Stay tuned for the answers to these questions....

What does it mean for the parent to function as God's agent? What is the nature of the parenting task?  What is the function of discipline and correction?

Pray this week for your children and their hearts, that God will help to make them oriented toward Him, so that they will be easily shepherded and they will come to know Him and have a relationship with Him.  This is of course the beginning of this process, praying for your children and for God to help you in your shepherding of your child, that you may do what God has appointed for you to do. Blessings.

Your Child's Development: 2 Issues

Due to the busy, busy, runaway train, I have not again posted on the book "Shepherding A Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp, so I am going to make up and do multiple posts today!  I know, I am such an overachiever!

There are two broad issues that effect your child's development and Tedd covers them in chapters 2 and 3.  They are shaping influences and Godward orientation. Sounds complicated huh?  Really it isn't...trust me if I can handle it, so can you!!!

Book: Shepherding a Child's Heart

Author: Tedd Tripp

Chapter 2: Your Child's Development: Shaping Influences

These are the events and circumstances that occur in a child's early developmental years that help to make them the person they are.  However, the shaping is not automatic, but rather what determines their effect is how the child responds to the events and circumstances. In other words, your child becomes the person they are/will be by their experiences and how they interact with those experiences. No one is just merely a pawn in this life, just being acted upon by everything around them, and not responding with their own self.  Rather, we are all sinners, acting upon what is given to us in life with the our hearts.  Remember the verses from Chapter 1 about "the overflow of the heart".  That overflow  plays a part in everything we do and if we understand that and these concepts, we can better help our children with structure and shepherding.

So what are the shaping influences is a child's life?

1. Structure of Family Life: This covers everything from birth order, to marriage status of parents, parenting roles, personalities, generational interaction, etc.  A child is shaped by divorce, death, mom, dad, grandparents, being the youngest or oldest, how everyone gets along, and more. This also produces expectations for their interactions with others in the future.

2. Family Values: Not just priorities or faith, but ideas, philosophies, what is deemed important; stuff or people, rules and roles for everyone to follow, etc. Tedd says, "The question you must ask is this: Are the values of your home based on human tradition and the basic principles of this world or on Christ?" When you talk to a child and ask them if they would be in trouble if they disobeyed when asked not to touch something and it broke, would they be in that trouble because they disobeyed or because something got broken?  That shows whether a family's values are hollow and out of line with Christ. Values can also encompass boundaries; secrets, trust, helping one another, etc. All families have boundaries, even if they are not spoken.

3. Family Roles: Who does what in the family, how involved they are in each others lives, etc.  This can be as simple as who pays the bills, who takes the kids to practices, who helps with what chores, and what do you as parents require of your children.  This can make a big impact on your children and their views of life.

4. Family Conflict Resolution: Do you know how to talk about problems? Do you resolve, walk away, shut out, yell, whisper, talk normal?  Are problems solved by biblical principles or by power, are they left unsolved, only to be brought up again: Remember that Proverbs 12:15-16 says: "The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice. A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks and insult." We train our children to either be wise or foolish by the way we handle problems in our homes.

5. Family Response to Failure: How do you deal with the failures of your children? Being a child means learning, failing, making mistakes, and more attempts to get it right.  Children are shaped by how they are treated in the face of failing.  Criticism, getting made fun of, mocking, there will not encourage a child and will shape how they deal with failures in the future.  Encouragement, praise for trying, help to get back up, etc. will help a child learn to press on and keep trying.

6. Family History: Moving, health, finances, social experiences, etc.  These can all be ways your child is influenced. 

Tedd says there are two mistakes in interacting with the shaping influences of life.  The first is seeing them deterministically.  It is wrong to think that a child is just a victim of the events and had no choices.  The second mistake is denial.  It is also wrong to think that a child was not affected by events of their childhood.  It is important to understand these influence from a biblical basis.

I think that the most important statement in this chapter is definitely this, "You make a grave mistake if you conclude that childrearing is nothing more than providing the best possible influences for your children." He goes on to say that this is Christian determinism, the idea that you can protect and shelter your child enough in Christian schools or home school, that you can provide the best childhood experiences and that in the end your child will turn out okay.  These parents are sure that their proper environment that they create will produce a proper child.

You must know that children are like clay on a potter's wheel.  Clay responds to the potter with its own properties or environment.  Just like clay, children either accept or reject the molding what we give them in life. They are never just passive receivers of our shaping, but rather active responders. Our children respond depending on their Godward focus in their life.  They can reject and rebel against you and your best efforts to direct them on Godly paths.  It is much more complicated than any parent can ever imagine.  It not just about whether you have done the right things in the right way.  Our children are responsible for the way they respond to our parenting.  Scary, huh?  They always have a choice, just like we do with the salvation that Christ offers us.

We have to remember that human beings are creatures who are directed by the orientation of their hearts. That is what this shepherding business is all about, helping your child have a heart for God and learn how to operate in this world with their heart following Him and overflowing with His grace and love!

It is strange, I know that this books guidance and teachings are right and true, because they are based on the Bible.  I also know they work when I use the techniques correctly with my children, because they behave with hearts almost of gold....I said ALMOST!   However, it is hard, so hard to follow through on, why?  I honestly think it is because it is not the norm for us, we do not see a lot of biblical parenting happening in our world, we don't meet a lot of young children who behave from the overflow of their Godly heart.  We don't want to be out of the norm...but we do.

Remember:
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

Heart of Behavior

Book: Shepherding a Child's Heart

Author: Tedd Tripp

Introduction

Chapter 1: Getting to the Heart of Behavior

Parenting is a hard task, given to us by God.  We are to be the authority for our children.  But we cannot forget that God has called all of his creatures, yes even the birds and giraffes, to live under His authority, so while we are to be agents of God's authority over our children, we are also at the exact same time, under God's authority!  Hard swallow...hmmm, how have I tried to not be under His authority and/or abused His authority when being that agent to my children. It makes my heart cringe and repent for that sin!

Tedd says in his book that we "may not direct your children for your own agenda or convenience.  You must direct your children on God's behalf for their good!" Whew, take a minute and reflect on that with me.  I don't like it, but I know I have severely missed this and misused my authority!!!  How many times have you told your kids to stop something, not because it was something wrong, but because you found it annoying, or  had them do something because it was convenient for you, but not necessarily for them.  I also find in what Tedd said, that I am to direct my children, DIRECT, not rule over them.  I am not just their authority, but rather their helper, the guide in this journey of life, not just someone to tell them what to do...more on this after authority.  Another hard swallow! Tedd says it more eloquently by stating that, "God calls you to exercise authority, not in making your children do what you want, but in being true servants- authorities, who lay down your lives. The purpose for your authority in the lives of your children is not to hold them under your power, but to empower them to be self-controlled people living freely under the authority of God." This makes a big impact on me, because my children are not at all learning to be self-controlled.  I say that because, when my children get mad at me, or don't like what I ask or say to them, they get really mad, sometimes to the point of throwing things, or just plain throwing hissy fits!  You have probably experienced this yourself.  Well, I can tell you that when Matt and I were working hard to shepherd our children, we saw that lack of self-control begin to wane...and I wan't that peace that came with the waning, to come back to my home!!!

Back to being a helper or guide to my children..this is what Tedd calls "shepherding".  I am supposed to shepherd my children, in order to help them understand both the what of their actions, but also the why.  I must work hard to help my children learn discernment and wisdom, not my wisdom, but God's

The most important thing that you should get out of this book is this: "THE CENTRAL FOCUS OF PARENTING IS THE GOSPEL! It is important to not simply direct a child's behavior, but the attitudes of their heart!"

Proverbs 4:23 states it like this; Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Our hearts, and especially our children's hearts, determine our behavior, what we say, do, think, and the decision we make on how to act or react.  Hmmm, so what is in my heart, your heart, our children's heart?

Mark 7:21-23 For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly.  All these evils come from inside a man and make a man "unclean". 

Luke 6:45 The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. FOR OUT OF THE OVERFLOW OF HIS HEART HIS MOUTH SPEAKS.

What do these two verses tell us?  What your children say and do is a reflection of what is in their hearts. These Bible verses are very helpful for helping us in our goals as parents.  They help us to understand that behavior is not the main issue, but rather it is what is happening in our children's heart. 

So, lets think about the heart for a minute.  If we didn't have a heart, would we be living?  NO!  It is the reason we are living, it controls everything in our bodies, for without it, those things would not happen!  So, it is our "control center"or not only our bodies, but our lives!  Tedd writes that, "a change in behavior that does not stem from a change in the heart is not commendable; it is condemn-able." Ouch!  Here we are talking about our children, but I also want you to reflect that to your own heart, that is a powerful statement!!! 

So, if the heart is the control center of our lives and all behavior stems from the heart, then it only makes sense that discipline has to be used to address the attitude of the heart.  We need to understand our job as parents Biblically. Tedd outlines the broad sets of issues that affect our children, and says that we need to understand our children in relationship to them.

     1. The child and his relationship to the shaping influences of life.

     2. The child and his relationship to God.

I don't know about you, but for me the first time around, this was a lot to take in.  It was not how I had ever thought about parenting before, even though I had grown up in a Christian home, in church, married a Christian man, and am a follower of Christ. Parent from the Bible?  Seemed radical to me, but it makes perfect sense.  God gives us all we need in His word, and since He made us and knows we are sinners, and gave us salvation from that, why would we not first and always seek our His teachings to live by?!?!

Yes, I am using a book written by man, but it is a book that helps me to better understand the psychological state of my children in relationship to what affects them and how to use God's tool, the Bible to parent, shepherd, guide, direct, have authority in their lives, however you want to look at it!  

Stick with me, we will get to the practical breakdown or how Tedd and his wife use this is in their lives and their recommendations for us. This beginning is important though, for without the understanding of the reason the heart is important, we are not able to correctly shepherd our children as God has designed for us to!

Prayers are with you as you soak this up and as we learn more this week!  Blessings!

Goodbye Attitude!

Rolling eyes, growls, screaming, tossing things...attitude, everywhere!  That is what I have been seeing from my children A LOT lately! Even worse is the attitude it creates in Matt and I, toward each other and the children!! It never ceases to amaze me that when something like a bad attitude begins, it soon takes over everything in full force!!!  I shouldn't be surprised, that is the devil and that is how he works, he is a master at confusion, frustration and attitude!

I am stuck on how to cure us of this problem, except to keep praying and filling us all up with scripture!

I have read a lot of parenting help books (really a lot!!!) and while a lot of them have some good advice, they fail to address the problem, the true problem, which isn't the behavior, but rather the heart, our sinful nature!

Some friends of Matt and I's recommended we read yet another book...my first thought was great!, not another book, with the same worn out advice, that does not work for our family.  But then I thought about how our friends kids behave, and honestly, I would have read any amount of books they would recommend if it meant my kids would behave and have respect like their kids.

So, I borrowed the book and began reading and guess what, it wasn't the same as all the others.  In fact it really is not like any other book written by man/woman/specialist!  The only book that it is like is the one and only book we should all live by, the Bible, inspired by God!

So, what book you ask? "Shepherding a Child's Heart"by Tedd Tripp. How did it work for us?  Great, when we were following the advice and seeking God in our parenting/shepherding.  So, what happened? Well, we fell back into the yelling, screaming, anger stage of parenting, that most of us find ourselves in, because we are trying to parent and rule over our children, in order to make our lives more convenient and make our kids do what we want!

So, I am going to start re-reading the book, and re-learning how to use the only parenting book we all need in life, the Bible.  If you are a parent who is struggling with how to shepherd your children, I invite you to follow along as I write Shepherding posts, and learn along with me and work to be the best parent I can be.  I will also be recommending other resources that I found helpful in this journey, so stay tuned!

If you want to keep up on the Shepherding posts, you can subscribe to my blog and get updates when I post.  If you are following along, please leave comments and let me know if you have questions, or want to add to the learning,  For those who are following and commenting, I plan on having a giveaway of some of the resources, and possibly the book "Shepherding a Child's Heart" and it's companion parent's handbook.  So stay tuned....

From the back cover of the book..."Shepherding a Child's Heart is about how to speak to the heart of your child. The things your child does and says flows from the heart. Luke 6:45 puts it this way, "...out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks."(NIV) Written for parents with children of any age, this insightful book provides perspectives and procedures for shepherding your child's heart into the paths of life."

Tomorrow I will begin in Chapter 1: Getting to the Heart of Behavior. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

Today, think about your attitude as a parent and person, is it showing what is in your heart?  Do you need God's help to guard your heart and change your attitude and how you treat yourself, your spouse, your kids, and others?  Meditate on that...I know I need to and I am ready for God to help me squash the devil and the work he is trying to accomplish in my family, he will not prevail!  See you tomorrow!!